Mouse tales

Twelve brave souls formed a ragtag lineup in front of the audience of  200 and waited for a turn at the microphone. They had volunteered to tell the story of their most embarrassing moment.

Evelyn was fourth in line, a generation older, and a good bit shorter than all the rest. We had already heard some great stories but when diminutive little Evelyn in her shiny fuscia party dress stepped up to the mic, it was a Susan Boyle moment (in case you’ve been a castaway or in a coma and have missed all the brouhaha, see Britain’s 47-year-old singing sensation at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxPZh4AnWyk) Evelyn was a born comedian just waiting for her big break.

Looking every bit of her 70-plus years – in a “Tweety Bird’s granny” kind of way – Evelyn launched into her story; her wavering voice gaining momentum as she went along. Here’s the gist of what she said:

We got some mice inside our house this winter so I went to the dollar store looking for one of those super-sticky-mouse pads you use to catch mice.

When I got to the dollar store I saw some square pads hanging on the wall under a sign that said Mouse Pads. “That was easy!” I thought. They were bigger than I expected and very cheap so I bought one and took it home. I showed it to my husband and he said it was way too big so we cut it into four pieces, planning to put them everywhere we thought the mice might run. But when we tried to peel the top layer off to expose the sticky part we couldn’t get the dumb thing to separate!

By this time, the audience had figured out what the problem was and people were howling and wiping their eyes. Undaunted by the shrieks and hoots Evelyn just kept nodding and forged ahead.

What a waste of money! So I put the pieces back in the bag and marched right back to that dollar store to get a refund. When I got there I explained that the mouse pad they sold me was a dud and I wanted a better one or my money back. I dumped the pieces out on the counter along with the receipt.

When the cashier saw it she told me the mouse pad did work because she had one just like it on her desk at home. “Why would you put it on your desk?” I asked her, wondering how many mice she had in her house! That’s when she explained it wasn’t for catching live mice but was for a computer mouse.

Well who knew!?

Then the cashier told me she would have given me a refund if I hadn’t cut the dumb thing into pieces! So I said, “The next time a little old lady like me comes into your store and buys a mouse pad you’d better ask her a few questions and make sure that little old lady knows exactly what she’s getting!”