Gift Envy

My biggest insecurity when God called me into ministry as a speaker was that I didn’t think I had anything worthy to say. Telling people I was a hypocritical sinner who had “faked faith” for years did not seem like a topic likely to inspire!

On top of that, my natural ability lay in telling funny stories, not in Biblical exegesis. It seemed to me that making people laugh was near the bottom of the list of necessary talents required for ministry. Bringing Scripture to life with in-depth teaching in a contemporary style was where I needed to be, I thought. In short, I suffered from Beth Moore Envy.

Rick Warren cautions us about “gift envy.” It is tempting to look at the gifts of others and wish we could be like that. For the first year after my call to ministry, every time I prepared talks for a speaking engagement I questioned my gifts and wondered whether I should try to be more like Beth Moore. I would open the Scriptures and try to harvest deep truths–and in no time at all I would be miserable and discouraged. I had no insights, for the Word was still dead to me because I was battling unbelief and succumbing to crippling doubt.

In the midst of this trying season, I had been asked to speak at a weekend retreat in another province. I had, of course, agreed to this since that was the “deal” between God and me: If someone called, I would go. This obedience to go in the midst of my own debilitating doubt was to be my pathway out of the wilderness. 

I knew that my message, the only message I was qualified to give, had to be the truth about my wilderness trek. 

In desperation, after hours of fruitless attempts to prepare, I gave up. I put on my shoes and went for a “slog” (the closest I ever got to being a runner was my slow jog.) Slipping along the muddy running path along the river, I called out to the still invisible silent God for help.

And He met me there. He met me at the place I least expected but should have known He would. He met me at my point of need. 

Just be yourself and tell the truth, I heard. Like the woman who poured perfume on Jesus’ feet did what she could, God was asking me to do no less. And no more. 

That weekend, I spoke about my wilderness experience and my Beth Moore envy. God instantly released me from the paralyzing grip of that envy as soon as I broke the conspiracy of silence and confessed it. 

In the midst of feeling incredibly inadequate, completely unqualified, and dreadfully unspiritual, God was calling me to do the very thing He calls each of us to do–to do what I could. I could talk. I could go. I could tell the truth. What did I lack in order to fulfill that calling? Nothing. The enemy had seeded all those negative thoughts in his attempt to keep me silenced and useless. (excerpt From Faking it to Finding Grace)

• Are you ever tempted to try to be someone else? To copy your hero instead of sharing your story, your gifts, your experiences, your failures?
• Have you ever held back what you could have offered because you think it’s not quite right or not enough?
• Are you so convinced you don’t have what it takes that you are afraid to step out or reach out with what you have?

Maybe you need to head out for a “slog” and listen for that still small voice telling you to do what you can even if you think it ain’t much. Say yes and watch Him use what you give to bring hope and healing to a hurting world.